First off, I have a little disclaimer: if you have no interest in knowing what I am thinking about these days, or only want to read about my sewing tales, then you should probably skip this post. I’m in the mood to be a little introspective.
The day is drawing to a close. My husband will be home from work soon. Hungry, tired, and hopefully not too worn out to listen to his wife prattling on about her crafts.
It has been a semi-tough few days. The worst part about it is, I feel guilty for not being totally okay with life as it is right now. You see, my husband wants me to get a job so we can maybe buy a house sooner rather than later. It’s for a lovely reason. I would so enjoy having a house. (Our apartment is woefully small for two people, especially when one has a crafty stash that is bursting out the seams.) There is no realistic excuse to not get a job. Except. . . I’m scared.
I’ve only had a couple jobs before, other than babysitting when I was a teenager. The first was woefully underpaid, but it was during one of the toughest seasons of my life and I felt trapped and unable to leave. The second was when I finally quit that job and started working at a doughnut store. The problem with that was I felt like I had only gotten the job because my older sister had worked there before and been well liked. Maybe it was all in my head, but if felt as if everyone I worked with there, including my boss, expected me to be just like her. And I’m not. Plus, I wasn’t getting enough hours to earn enough money to pay the bills.
So I quit. I thought I had a different job lined up, but on the day when I was supposed to go in for orientation, my car broke down. I had to call and inform them that I couldn’t make it. Not too surprisingly, that was that. They never rescheduled my orientation, and I was too bogged down with bills and car trouble to know what to do. After all, what was the point of having a job if you couldn’t physically get there?
As you may have noticed, I haven’t exactly had superb experiences with jobs. And I’m terrified of getting a new one. I’ve toyed with the notion of starting an online store selling random sewing projects, but that brings up a whole other mess of worms. What if nobody buys my stuff? What if I am never noticed? What if I become lost in the vortex of the internet without ever being given a second look? These are the thoughts that pound through my head. Neither option, physical job or online store, sounds appealing.
I see other amazing women online who are so personable and unique that you cannot help but want to find out more about them. They seem to glow with an inner radiance that must be confidence. Sometimes I find myself becoming jealous of them. Why are they noticed? Why do people pay attention to them? They aren’t any more special than me! But this train of thought only last a moment before it spirals into something else entirely: What if being “me” just isn’t good enough? What if I have absolutely nothing worth sharing with the world? I feel guilty for not being more. More charming, more loving, more patient, more creative, more intelligent, more, more, more.
I feel trapped between two boulders that are about to come crashing down on me at any second. And honestly, I don’t know what to do. I’ll probably get a job soon. I hope and pray that it isn’t something that makes me utterly miserable. I’m pretty sure it won’t be, circumstances are almost always better in real life than what they look like in my head.
I’m not sure what I want you to take away from this. I’m not looking for sympathy or a pity party. This is partially brought on by reading the Cherry Dollface blog. She is so real and unashamed of it. I just wanted to be real, like her, for a moment. I wanted to share just a little of what’s going on in my head. I promise, I am getting better at not despairing about a job, or life in general. Every day it seems a little easier.
Wherever you are, I hope you are having a lovely day, and if you aren’t, I hope it gets better quickly. Just remember, you are good enough, and the world is a better place because you are in it.