Life

Evening Ponderings

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First off, I have a little disclaimer: if you have no interest in knowing what I am thinking about these days, or only want to read about my sewing tales, then you should probably skip this post. I’m in the mood to be a little introspective.

The day is drawing to a close. My husband will be home from work soon. Hungry, tired, and hopefully not too worn out to listen to his wife prattling on about her crafts.Β 

It has been a semi-tough few days. The worst part about it is, I feel guilty for not being totally okay with life as it is right now. You see, my husband wants me to get a job so we can maybe buy a house sooner rather than later. It’s for a lovely reason. I would so enjoy having a house. (Our apartment is woefully small for two people, especially when one hasΒ a crafty stash that is bursting out the seams.) There is no realistic excuse to not get a job. Except. . . I’m scared.

I’ve only had a couple jobs before, other than babysitting when I was a teenager. The first was woefully underpaid, but it was during one of the toughest seasons of my life and I felt trapped and unable to leave. The second was when I finally quit that job and started working at a doughnut store. The problem with that was I felt like I had only gotten the job because my older sister had worked there before and been well liked. Maybe it was all in my head, but if felt as if everyone I worked with there, including my boss, expected me to be just like her. And I’m not. Plus, I wasn’t getting enough hours to earn enough money to pay the bills.

So I quit. I thought I had a different job lined up, but on the day when I was supposed to go in for orientation, my car broke down. I had to call and inform them that I couldn’t make it. Not too surprisingly, that was that. They never rescheduled my orientation, and I was too bogged down with bills and car trouble to know what to do. After all, what was the point of having a job if you couldn’t physically get there?

As you may have noticed, I haven’t exactly had superb experiences with jobs. And I’m terrified of getting a new one. I’ve toyed with the notion of starting an online store selling random sewing projects, but that brings up a whole other mess of worms. What if nobody buys my stuff? What if I am never noticed? What if I become lost in the vortex of the internet without ever being given a second look? These are the thoughts that pound through my head. Neither option, physical job or online store, sounds appealing.

I see other amazing women online who are so personable and unique that you cannot help but want to find out more about them. They seem to glow with an inner radiance that must be confidence. Sometimes I find myself becoming jealous of them. Why are they noticed? Why do people pay attention to them? They aren’t any more special than me! But this train of thought only last a moment before it spirals into something else entirely: What if being “me” just isn’t good enough? What if I have absolutely nothing worth sharingΒ with the world? I feel guilty for not being more. More charming, more loving, more patient, more creative, more intelligent, more, more, more.

I feel trapped between two boulders that are about to come crashing down on me at any second. And honestly, I don’t know what to do. I’ll probably get a job soon. I hope and pray that it isn’t something that makes me utterly miserable. I’m pretty sure it won’t be, circumstances are almost always better in real life than what they look like in my head.

I’m not sure what I want you to take away from this. I’m not looking for sympathy or a pity party. This is partially brought on by reading the Cherry Dollface blog. She is so real and unashamed of it. I just wanted to be real, like her, for a moment. I wanted to share just a little of what’s going on in my head. I promise, I am getting better at not despairing about a job, or life in general. Every day it seems a little easier.

Wherever you are, I hope you are having a lovely day, and if you aren’t, I hope it gets better quickly. Just remember, you are good enough, and the world is a better place because you are in it.

~Emily

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6 thoughts on “Evening Ponderings

  1. I thought the girl in the pictures was you, but I must be wrong. That girl is beautiful and luminous, and very talented to sew. The way you talk about yourself is not the girl I see in those pictures.
    Why don’t you apply your own words to yourself? “Just remember, you are good enough, and the world is a better place because you are in it.”
    Be as forgiving and compassionate with yourself as you are with other people.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Angela, for your kind words! You are very right. I do have a hard time remembering to be as patient and kind to myself as I am towards others. I’m better at it than I used to be, but it’s still a work in progress. Thank you for giving me such a gracious reminder!

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  2. Hi Emily,
    I found your blog a few years ago, enjoyed reading it, and rediscovered it a couple of months ago. I totally understand where you’re coming from with all this. I’ve never had a “proper part time job” either, even though I’ve done a fair bit of casual work. It sometimes makes me terrified for applying for proper jobs down the track! I hope something comes up that’s a good fit for you and your husband, and still gives you time for crafting! The adjustment to the practical logistics of married life are tricky, but working towards buying a house is a great goal! Best of luck!
    Kaitlyn xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Kaitlyn! It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who struggles with this. I’ll certainly post if/when I find a job. Maybe I’ll be able to find work at a yarn/craft store. That would be amazing!

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  3. If only we could see ourselves as others see us….We recently met and shared 8 wonderful sewing days together at the Visual Arts Center of Richmond. I was impressed at how genuine and unique YOU are for someone so young. I envied your sewing skill and personal style-anything but ordinary. Continue to share your gifts with the world. You can always start off with a part time job to ease into working for someone else and continue to sew-perhaps start an online store with some of your creations. Selling online does take a lot of time and perserverence. Also check out Marie Forleo on the Internet-she all about how to sell your own unique style to the world.

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